Today Sean and I are going into the (home) studio to lay bed tracks for some of my original material. I've got 5 tunes ready to go. My hands are shaking. I'm excited and nervous. I'm sure I'll feel better once we get going.
The good thing about recorded material is I have control over it. No one has to hear the mistakes or the bad takes or whatever. If it sucks, it swims with the fishes and nobody but Sean and I will know.
I'm afraid I'll sound different (ie, bad) in a recording than I do in my head. And then I won't want to do this anymore. And then my heart will be broken.
It's interesting to me that I have identified the root of all this fright, see it as silly/unnecessary but it still gets to me. It's been there so long I suppose it's just foreign for me to be without it.
The fear is that I think I'm good but really I'm awful and the people who love me don't have the heart to tell me so. We've all seen those people/bands in bars. You're embarrassed for them. They're awful. I don't want to be that person.
The fear is that I'll be so proud of myself and think I'm so great and then people will tell me I'm awful. And then all the years of labour and love I've put into my music will be for nought. I'll crumble. I'll throw it all away. The rug will be pulled out from under me and my entire identity will be gone.
But I'm learning that isn't true. First of all, I've got amazing folks around me who want to protect me. They won't support me through this and send me out to the wolves if I'm awful. They just won't. And there will always be haters. Always. Who cares? I HATE Nickleback but that doesn't stop them from doing what they do and being hugely popular at it, right? Right.
I gotta tell you, writing about this in a public space is way scarier than the actual stage fright. Yikes.
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