evidence

@Not My Dog, Feb 2, '14

@The Feathers, Jan 11, '14 

@Relish Songbird Session, November 23, '13 

@The Only, Nov 26, '14 

time moves on

Oh goodness, I haven't posted since September. A lifetime seems to have passed since then. I've done so much, so much has changed; where to begin?

Since my last post I've had 7 gigs (not counting the tune I do every other week with Sean's band). Some have been good, some not so good, but a learning experience every time. I've managed to learn how to not crucify myself when I mess up. That's huge for me. Huge.

Two gigs ago I was so sick with stage fright I thought I should probably consider not performing anymore. I threw up twice, it felt like weasels were trying to claw their way out of my guts, I was shaking so hard I'm sure I was blurry and I spent a lot of, um, unpleasant time in the bathroom.

The gig itself was great. I wasn't perfect but that was ok. Chris, my musical partner in crime, was there with me and we had a great time. The audience response was great. Once it was over, I felt like a million bucks. But the lead up was bad. Very bad.

Before my last gig, which was yesterday, I was a bit more proactive about it. I meditated for 40 minutes in the morning, I took Rescue Remedy, I went for a walk, I rehearsed with Chris for 2 hours. I didn't start freaking out until about an hour and a half before CB picked us up. And I didn't freak out nearly as much as I did the time before. Not even close.

Since I booked the gig, I've fought my desire to put a ton of pressure on myself about it. I mostly won. Which is saying a lot without saying much at all. Just trust me when I say it was no small feat not to completely psych myself out over this one. But you know what? It turned out to be my best yet.

A big difference with this gig from others is that the room was mostly full of people I know. You see, I don't tell many people about my gigs because I didn't want my people to see me fail (and of course I'm always assuming I'll fail). But this gig was hosted by my friends so many of our mutual friends came. Plus, I actually told people about it so a couple of my people turned up too. I thought seeing all those familiar faces looking back at me would paralyze me but the opposite happened: I was on fire.

Not perfect, never perfect, but perfect in that moment. It's the first time I can honestly say I enjoyed performing. It was SO MUCH FUN. I wanna do it again. RIGHT NOW.

I've got 3 more gigs this month. I'm hoping March starts to fill up too.

Every day I torture myself with thoughts of "why am I doing this?" "to what end?" "for what purpose?". I get it now. After last night, I get it. It's for moments like that. Those moments when I'm completely myself and sharing my music with joy (not fear) and seeing both familiar and strange faces beaming back at me. It's magic. That's why I'm doing this.

jess & maz: our version of goodbye

Not really goodbye. Just goodbye for now.

Here we are covering Leonard Cohen's Dance Me to the End of Love and Nick Cave's The Ship Song at her Going Away Soiree.

http://youtu.be/XtvFVgyDMgE

http://youtu.be/DAq2rXIbn6g

performance

I performed my own material in front of a crowd of (mostly) strangers last night for the very first time. It was a good bye party for Jess. My heart hasn't stopped racing.

Overall, I think it went well. My guitar playing left much to be desired which is what happens when I'm so nervous. My hands just don't work. So my rhythm was sloppy and my dynamics were shit and I played way too fast. I was up half the night beating myself up for it. But the people loved my song (I played a new one called "Dear Henry" ). The response was...wow. I was a bit stunned when it was over, a little dazed, and a professional musician who is also an acquaintance (Sarah Burton - she's great) pulled me aside before I could say anything and said, "Did you hear the cheers and applause? Did you hear it? That was for you and your amazing song. And no one here is just being nice."

Another woman asked where she could buy my record. When I said I didn't have one yet she said "Hurry up, then! I need to buy that!" A bunch asked where they could come see me perform. One woman said, "I need more of you. I know that sounds weird because we don't know each other but I need more. I'm in love with your voice." When I thanked her she said, "It's weird having you thank me. You're too good to have to say thank you." There were so many nice things said. I wish I could remember all of them. I'm so grateful to everyone who took a moment to talk to me.

I'm not bragging. I'm making a record so I can read this again when I feel like I want to give up or when I feel too frightened to play in front of anyone. I'm typing this out in an attempt to make it real because it seems like a fuzzy dream now.

Original #3

Another new original.

Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/mariaryan-1/disappear-by-maria-ryan

or YouTube:

Original #2

Here's my latest demo featuring the incomparable Chris Bennett on lead guitar. A million thank yous to my producer (husband) for the countless hours he dedicated to bringing this to life.

Counting Stars (soundcloud) or via the youtube link below. The sound quality on Soundcloud is better; youtube compresses the hell out of sound files!

Written in memory of the women who comprised Dr. Charles Pickering's human computer (circa 1885), especially Williamina Fleming.

cover w/very special guest

My special guest is Dillon (or "Dilly", as I call him). Dillon was a guitar student of mine for many years when I lived and taught in SK. Though we've kept in touch, we haven't actually seen each other since June of 2005. Dillon visited me in TO while he was on holiday and had the idea that we make a video to reprise our years of making music together.

The video is here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yx6kK0JB5Qw


And it was only take 3...not 42! :-)