tour eve

Tomorrow morning I leave for my very first tour. It's a mini-tour, just three nights, but I'm as excited as I would be going on a cross country tour for 3 months.

I've been bouncing around all day long in hyperactive fashion. My face hurts from smiling. But as soon as I sat down to relax panic set in. And then the flu symptoms (I don't have the flu - it's nerves) began. And now I feel like I'm dying. Literally. If I died right now I would not be surprised. I know I won't but that is how it feels. So bad.

This is what the stage fright used to feel like. It seems so old, so far away, but so familiar. I don't like it. I don't want to feel this way.

But it's proof that my theory is correct: I'll never get over it. I just have to find ways through it.

Next tour will be easier. Firsts of anything are always hardest. And I'm sure when the boys pick me up in the morning I'll be just fine.

Or I won't. But I'll find a way through it. Of this much I am certain.

Off we go!

quiet

My last post was in early February. That says an awful lot about my state of mind; at least to me.

This blog seems so distant to me. I've grown and changed so much, so fast in a relatively short period of time.

I haven't "gotten over" my stage fright but I've learned how to work through it, with it, even. It's something that will be with me forever, I think, and that's ok.

I'm gigging all of the time (check out www.mariaryanmusic.com for photos, videos and present/past dates). some gigs are good, some not so good. But I'm learning to let them be what they are. I'm also learning to spend more time learning from the not so good ones with the energy I would have ordinarily spent beating myself up over them.

In June I've got an average of 2 gigs per week. I was offered 4 gigs on a single day (and was only able to accept 1). In the past, I'd vomit when a gig was offered. Now, I'm exhilarated. It's a riot. In July I'm touring MTL, Cornwall and Ottawa. Who'da thought?

Last Saturday I played the songwriter's session that I played when I first started performing again. That first time was so bad; I cried for days afterward. It was awful. Just a terrible experience. I said yes to doing it again in an attempt at redeeming myself but once the date was set I regretted it. I wouldn't have my music partner with me, for one thing, and returning to the scene of the crime started stressing me. But it was just what I needed. It went surprisingly well. I was nervous but used that as energy to do what I needed to do. I felt relieved and redeemed. Full circle.

When I started this blog my intention was to continue it as a performance blog once I got through the stage fright. But it feels like a dress that doesn't fit right anymore. Time to move on, I think. We'll see.

Next up is recording an album. Perhaps that will stress me enough that I'll blog about that!

In the meantime, come out and see me sometime. I'd love to sing you a song.

evidence

@Not My Dog, Feb 2, '14

@The Feathers, Jan 11, '14 

@Relish Songbird Session, November 23, '13 

@The Only, Nov 26, '14 

time moves on

Oh goodness, I haven't posted since September. A lifetime seems to have passed since then. I've done so much, so much has changed; where to begin?

Since my last post I've had 7 gigs (not counting the tune I do every other week with Sean's band). Some have been good, some not so good, but a learning experience every time. I've managed to learn how to not crucify myself when I mess up. That's huge for me. Huge.

Two gigs ago I was so sick with stage fright I thought I should probably consider not performing anymore. I threw up twice, it felt like weasels were trying to claw their way out of my guts, I was shaking so hard I'm sure I was blurry and I spent a lot of, um, unpleasant time in the bathroom.

The gig itself was great. I wasn't perfect but that was ok. Chris, my musical partner in crime, was there with me and we had a great time. The audience response was great. Once it was over, I felt like a million bucks. But the lead up was bad. Very bad.

Before my last gig, which was yesterday, I was a bit more proactive about it. I meditated for 40 minutes in the morning, I took Rescue Remedy, I went for a walk, I rehearsed with Chris for 2 hours. I didn't start freaking out until about an hour and a half before CB picked us up. And I didn't freak out nearly as much as I did the time before. Not even close.

Since I booked the gig, I've fought my desire to put a ton of pressure on myself about it. I mostly won. Which is saying a lot without saying much at all. Just trust me when I say it was no small feat not to completely psych myself out over this one. But you know what? It turned out to be my best yet.

A big difference with this gig from others is that the room was mostly full of people I know. You see, I don't tell many people about my gigs because I didn't want my people to see me fail (and of course I'm always assuming I'll fail). But this gig was hosted by my friends so many of our mutual friends came. Plus, I actually told people about it so a couple of my people turned up too. I thought seeing all those familiar faces looking back at me would paralyze me but the opposite happened: I was on fire.

Not perfect, never perfect, but perfect in that moment. It's the first time I can honestly say I enjoyed performing. It was SO MUCH FUN. I wanna do it again. RIGHT NOW.

I've got 3 more gigs this month. I'm hoping March starts to fill up too.

Every day I torture myself with thoughts of "why am I doing this?" "to what end?" "for what purpose?". I get it now. After last night, I get it. It's for moments like that. Those moments when I'm completely myself and sharing my music with joy (not fear) and seeing both familiar and strange faces beaming back at me. It's magic. That's why I'm doing this.

jess & maz: our version of goodbye

Not really goodbye. Just goodbye for now.

Here we are covering Leonard Cohen's Dance Me to the End of Love and Nick Cave's The Ship Song at her Going Away Soiree.

http://youtu.be/XtvFVgyDMgE

http://youtu.be/DAq2rXIbn6g

performance

I performed my own material in front of a crowd of (mostly) strangers last night for the very first time. It was a good bye party for Jess. My heart hasn't stopped racing.

Overall, I think it went well. My guitar playing left much to be desired which is what happens when I'm so nervous. My hands just don't work. So my rhythm was sloppy and my dynamics were shit and I played way too fast. I was up half the night beating myself up for it. But the people loved my song (I played a new one called "Dear Henry" ). The response was...wow. I was a bit stunned when it was over, a little dazed, and a professional musician who is also an acquaintance (Sarah Burton - she's great) pulled me aside before I could say anything and said, "Did you hear the cheers and applause? Did you hear it? That was for you and your amazing song. And no one here is just being nice."

Another woman asked where she could buy my record. When I said I didn't have one yet she said "Hurry up, then! I need to buy that!" A bunch asked where they could come see me perform. One woman said, "I need more of you. I know that sounds weird because we don't know each other but I need more. I'm in love with your voice." When I thanked her she said, "It's weird having you thank me. You're too good to have to say thank you." There were so many nice things said. I wish I could remember all of them. I'm so grateful to everyone who took a moment to talk to me.

I'm not bragging. I'm making a record so I can read this again when I feel like I want to give up or when I feel too frightened to play in front of anyone. I'm typing this out in an attempt to make it real because it seems like a fuzzy dream now.

Original #3

Another new original.

Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/mariaryan-1/disappear-by-maria-ryan

or YouTube:

Original #2

Here's my latest demo featuring the incomparable Chris Bennett on lead guitar. A million thank yous to my producer (husband) for the countless hours he dedicated to bringing this to life.

Counting Stars (soundcloud) or via the youtube link below. The sound quality on Soundcloud is better; youtube compresses the hell out of sound files!

Written in memory of the women who comprised Dr. Charles Pickering's human computer (circa 1885), especially Williamina Fleming.

cover w/very special guest

My special guest is Dillon (or "Dilly", as I call him). Dillon was a guitar student of mine for many years when I lived and taught in SK. Though we've kept in touch, we haven't actually seen each other since June of 2005. Dillon visited me in TO while he was on holiday and had the idea that we make a video to reprise our years of making music together.

The video is here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yx6kK0JB5Qw


And it was only take 3...not 42! :-)

gig

The gig on the 17th with Andy Griffiths went very well. I was a total wreck all day until we got to the venue. Hands started shaking at 9am, stomach would not stop flip flopping. It was awful. Once I was able to survey my surroundings, I calmed down quite a bit. Having my sister and husband there to entertain/distract me helped too.

Another good distraction was making friends with the lovely and talented Harpin' Norm who just happened to be sharing the banquette with me. He was full of advice, stories and anecdotes to help me work through my stagefright. He was a huge help. I had no idea who he was, aside from the chatty gent sitting next to me, and then he asked if he could play harmonica with me on Knockin' On Heaven's Door. Andy and I both said yes (he's played with Andy lots before) so he did. I was blown away. What talent! And so encouraging and lovely. I'm happy to know him.

The first set went great. It was so much fun to look into the audience and see my sister's giant blue eyes staring at me, big smile, two thumbs up, dancing in her seat. I screwed up the first line of the song because I broke my own rule of never making eye contact with audience members but I just smiled and continued on. No biggie. I sang lead on "Yer So Bad" and "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" and then did harmony vocals on "Throw Your Arms Around Me". There were some brief but wonderful moments when I felt like "hell yes, I'm doing this! I was born to do this!" Those felt nice especially in contrast to the "ohmygodwhatamidoingthisisterrifying" feelings I had too!

At the end of the set Sean reminded me to "always remember how you feel right now." So I sat there and was totally mindful of how I felt. I was happy, at ease, a little euphoric. My body felt relaxed and warm. No stomach ache, no shaking hands. Totally at ease. I felt really good. Despite that, when set 2 began I got extremely anxious all over again. By that time, a few more friends had shown up (it's always easier singing for strangers) but I did my best to pretend I was fine.

I sang "Cuts You Up" and when I finished a guy at the bar screamed "GOD, YES!" It was great. ha! We then did "Better Be Home Soon" which didn't go super well. I wasn't used to Andy's phrasing so my harmonies all went to hell. Whatever. I lived. No one threw rotten tomatoes at me. It was fine. Later we did an impromptu version of "Free Fallin'" for which I could not remember the backing vocals but it all worked out in the end. Not bad for on the spot at the end of the night, I guess.

Overall it was wonderful. Great having my people there, wonderful reception from the audience, a great experience all around. I left there trying to figure out how to make it happen again soon! It was just what I needed.

almost famous (haha)

This is me singing last week with Tin Roof Rusted. I'm so grateful for the experience.

Last night I walked into a bar to see a friend's band play and two women ran up to me and said, "Oh, YOU'RE here! Please tell us you're singing tonight!"

I had no idea who they were so I automatically assumed they had me mistaken for someone else. They explained, however, that they heard me sing with the guys the other night and were hoping for more. Too cute.

stuff

1.  I sang with Sean's band the other night. The band's singer and primary songwriter is hugely supportive of me and wants to help me get out there in any way he can. So he added a wonderful duet by Weddings Parties Anything to the set list to give me a chance to get up and practice being on stage. I was nervous but not sick about it.  I actually didn't get nervous about it until Reid told me where in the set our song would be. It came and it went and it was fine.  I couldn't hear myself but the boys said I did well (what else would they say?) and Reid has it on the set list for next time too.  I'm so grateful for the experience.

While singing, I couldn't look at the audience so I mostly looked at Reid.  People probably thought were a couple.  ha.

2.  A lovely singer-songwriter shared a bill with Sean's band a few weeks ago.  We got to talking and he took an interest in my music and my stage fright and asked if I would send him my youtube channel.  I did and he immediately responded with a request that I do a video with him and that I sit in on a few songs at an upcoming gig.  I said yes to both.

3.  I've started pricing CD sleeves for my upcoming demo release and Sean and I have been working on photos for that and for my new website.  It's starting to feel real.

yes!

Well...it was great.  I didn't choke.  I was nervous but didn't choke.  We actually had a great time, worked really well together and are already talking about "next time".

And I can't wait.

meeting

The guitar player in one of Sean's bands is one of the best players I've ever heard.  Ever.  My plan has been to work on my music and playing out for a few years and then work up the nerve to ask him to play with me.    he plays almost every night of the week and does lots of session work.  He's a busy guy and he's an amazing guy so I didn't want to bring anything to him that wasn't really ready (for his sake and mine). He beat me to it and offered to play with me.

I'm overwhelmed and delighted and terrified.  We're meeting today and I'm sick about it.  I didn't sleep much last night, our meeting is 5 hours away and I'm already shaking.  I don't want to ruin this opportunity.  I don't want him to think I'm awful.  And when I get this nervous I am awful.  My hands don't work and I fumble around on the guitar like I've never held one before.  My voice goes flat and gets squeaky.  I forget words and I choke.  I just choke.  It's terrible and embarrassing and it has happened too many times for me not to worry it will happen again. It still happens sometimes when I'm playing for my husband.  Bad.

So part of me wants to tell him it's too soon but another part of me can't wait to get it over with.  I don't know what's best.  I guess I won't know until it's too late.

Wish me luck.

festival

I'm currently in the process of applying to play a songwriter's festival in Florida in January.  One of my dearest friends has made it one of her goals to get me there and her enthusiasm and support has been infectious.  So, despite the fact that I haven't played a single solo gig yet, I'm applying.

The main stage has been host to some major acts (Lucinda Williams, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Shawn Mullins, Amy Ray) and the smaller stage is meant for the not-yet-knowns.  But even they have a CD or two and a tour under their belts.  In other words, I'm really not ready.  I know I won't get in this year but I'm doing it for the experience of applying and to get my name in their heads.  I plan to apply every year until I get in.

So I need to create an EPK which means I have to get some demos finished, have some promo pictures done and get some dates on the calendar (and build a website and get some reviews) if I want to be considered.  So we're working hard over here.  Again, I understand how blessed I am to have a husband who not only loves and supports what I do but who is an amazing photographer and musician/producer/mixer who can help me get these things done.  So lucky.

So we work.  And I'm excited.  And my stomach sinks and flips when I really think about  what I'm about to do.  But I'm doing it because it's time.

house concert

So I went to a friend's house concert where several seasoned and amazing musicians played a few songs each.  There was some really incredible talent in that room.  Effortless, beautiful talent.  Especially Jory Nash who totally amazed me on a bunch of different levels. Amazing.  And Jess McAvoy blew everyone's heads off. She was so powerful, so brilliant.

At the end, the hostess opened the floor and, much to my own surprise, I played a song. I messed up and I was a nervous wreck but I did it. I was shaking and playing too fast and too sloppy (it didn't help that I was playing on a horrible sounding uke) and at one point I even stopped and asked the crowd to stop clapping along!  ha!  But I DID IT!  I did it.

Now I am trying to beat down the demons in my head telling me how horrible I was and that anyone who said I did well was just being nice to the pathetic girl who followed all that great stuff.  Trying.  Trying.  It's not easy.

I don't think I'll sleep tonight.

This is what I played for the people (only not as well):

I've been a very bad blogger.  And with so much going on!

First, I was invited to play castanets at the Captain Dirt & The Skirt CD release party at Lula Lounge a couple of weeks ago (on their tune "Spiders in the Storm", to which I danced at their Halloween soiree last year).  It was great fun and a joy to share the stage with Kristin and Lyndell (and Gary Craig and Sahra Featherstone - WOO!) once again, even if only in a small way.  Every chance to get on stage is good practice, me thinks.  I was even again to look at the people in the audience and smile and make eye contact.  That was a big step for me!  Unfortunately, there isn't any photographic evidence of the performance except this one (that's me behind the talented Kristin Sweetland).

A couple of months ago a women emailed me after finding my kijiji ad offering guitar and uke lessons.  She wasn't looking for lessons but was hoping I'd play uke at her Hawaiian themed block party.  I enthusiastically said yes!  It seemed perfect: I'd be playing in front of people but not with the pressure of being on stage or really "performing".  Just casually walking around, strumming and "creating atmosphere" (in the words of the party giver).  And they were going to pay me.  Yay!

Two weeks before the gig I began to panic.  Loss of sleep, sick stomach.  Panic.  When the weather reports called for nothing but rain I prayed the party would be cancelled but, alas, it was not.

The day of the gig I was calmer than I expected.  I meditated, I exercised, I taught my students, I took a few doses of Rescue Remedy and aside from some slight butterflies, I was really ok.

I got to the gig and the people were...special.  Let's just say it was very very clearly noted that I was the hired help and must not cross the line in the sand.  Whatever.  Anyway, I was decked out in Hawaiian attire, had my trusty Kala in my arms and I was ready to go.

With 150 people, a downpour upon canvas tents and simply being outside I could barely even hear myself.  But I wandered and smiled and played and played and played.  My hands didn't freeze, I didn't forget my songs, I didn't panic when people looked at me.  I was totally fine.  One wonderful gent named Greg even made a few requests, all of which I knew, and we played and sang together in harmony.  Greg (and his wife Heather) was the highlight of my evening.  Just lovely, welcoming and kind.  He really stood out in that crowd, know what I mean?

I played my two hours, was given some lovely compliments, was paid (extra, even!) and I was gone.  I was so happy and relieved that not only was it finally over but I DID IT!

Part of me feels like it wasn't any big accomplishment because I was just background noise.  No one was really looking at me.  But why should I take this away from myself?  I never would have done this a year ago.  This was a big step for me.  So...YAY ME!  Yeah!

Sean was away so there were no pictures of my awesome Hawaiian outfit but here I am with a flower in my hair and the other is of my uke laying on my saronged lap.

The last really awesome super cool thing is a guitar player I admire more than words can ever express has offered to play with me (live and on my demos).  The man is amazing.  If my fairy godmother came down and said she could make me play like anyone, I would likely choose him.  He is simply amazing.  My plan was to get my chops, work on my stuff for a couple of years, really hone and fine tune it and then ask him if he'd consider playing with me.  But the other night at his gig he just offered.  I wanted to squeeze his guts out.  Instead I just thanked him and tried not to cry.

I'm trying not to psyche myself out of this.  "Am I good enough?"  "What if he thinks I suck?"  "I hope he likes my songs."  "I'm not nearly as good as the other people he plays with." "Who do I think I am playing with HIM?!?!"  All that is swirling around in my head and I'm trying to push it away.  I'm sure I'll feel better after we play together a bit.  He's super busy, gigs most every night, so we have no solid plans yet.  But he promises it will happen.  And I trust him.

And the last cool thing, if you've made it this far, was yesterday when a very new acquaintance asked me to sing something for her and I did.  Usually I'd wave it away and say, "No, another time" but yesterday I closed my eyes and sang a verse of Patti Smith's "Ghost Dance".  When I opened my eyes and she was crying. "The world needs to hear your voice, Maria. And I hope they do.  And if not the world, then I hope you can hear yourself as you really are: amazing."

I put her words here not to brag but as a reminder.  There are those days where the darkness overwhelms me and I hate my voice and what my hands can and cannot do and I take my gifts for granted and I think I should just stop, just throw it all away and forget it.  So these reminders that someone thinks I'm "amazing" and that it's not really about others hearing it but about *me* hearing myself that matters.

If you made it this far, thank you.  A new video is in the works.

I'm back!

It's been over a month since my last post.  Terrible!

Here's a cover of Tori Amos' "Cornflake Girl".  This was an interesting exercise for me.  Stripping that crazy layered song down to just some crunchy power chords and one vocal line was a challenge but fun.  I hope you enjoy listening to it as much as I enjoyed covering it.

It's all your fault, Mr. Bird.  I'm no Hendrix but I hope you'll still dig it.  Thank you for inspiring me.

cherry

Tuesday night was amazing. It went by so fast; I don't really know how it went. I really have no idea how we sounded.  I couldn't hear myself, or anything else, at all.  But it felt great and was a ton of fun.  I'm so delighted that I was able to actually enjoy it.  Me 1, Fear 0.  Score! We had the best turn out of anyone else on the bill - that felt really good. And a woman (whom we don't know) took one of our posters and asked for my autograph!  That felt fantastic and bizarre and so damn cool.  I think I blushed and I never blush! I'm ready to do it again.

and here they are

Ok, the nervousness just kicked in.  I woke up in a sweat with a racing heart.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

My dear friend sent me this note and it helped so much:

"It's fine to be nervous, but your job in that nervousness is to find the stillness within you, and step forth from that stillness. That's what performing is. Yes, your external self should feel nervous, but your internal core, where your artist lives, should walk slowly forth with gravity and dignity, and stare at that audience and nod slowly, and then go forth. That's what I want for you today."