tour eve

Tomorrow morning I leave for my very first tour. It's a mini-tour, just three nights, but I'm as excited as I would be going on a cross country tour for 3 months.

I've been bouncing around all day long in hyperactive fashion. My face hurts from smiling. But as soon as I sat down to relax panic set in. And then the flu symptoms (I don't have the flu - it's nerves) began. And now I feel like I'm dying. Literally. If I died right now I would not be surprised. I know I won't but that is how it feels. So bad.

This is what the stage fright used to feel like. It seems so old, so far away, but so familiar. I don't like it. I don't want to feel this way.

But it's proof that my theory is correct: I'll never get over it. I just have to find ways through it.

Next tour will be easier. Firsts of anything are always hardest. And I'm sure when the boys pick me up in the morning I'll be just fine.

Or I won't. But I'll find a way through it. Of this much I am certain.

Off we go!

quiet

My last post was in early February. That says an awful lot about my state of mind; at least to me.

This blog seems so distant to me. I've grown and changed so much, so fast in a relatively short period of time.

I haven't "gotten over" my stage fright but I've learned how to work through it, with it, even. It's something that will be with me forever, I think, and that's ok.

I'm gigging all of the time (check out www.mariaryanmusic.com for photos, videos and present/past dates). some gigs are good, some not so good. But I'm learning to let them be what they are. I'm also learning to spend more time learning from the not so good ones with the energy I would have ordinarily spent beating myself up over them.

In June I've got an average of 2 gigs per week. I was offered 4 gigs on a single day (and was only able to accept 1). In the past, I'd vomit when a gig was offered. Now, I'm exhilarated. It's a riot. In July I'm touring MTL, Cornwall and Ottawa. Who'da thought?

Last Saturday I played the songwriter's session that I played when I first started performing again. That first time was so bad; I cried for days afterward. It was awful. Just a terrible experience. I said yes to doing it again in an attempt at redeeming myself but once the date was set I regretted it. I wouldn't have my music partner with me, for one thing, and returning to the scene of the crime started stressing me. But it was just what I needed. It went surprisingly well. I was nervous but used that as energy to do what I needed to do. I felt relieved and redeemed. Full circle.

When I started this blog my intention was to continue it as a performance blog once I got through the stage fright. But it feels like a dress that doesn't fit right anymore. Time to move on, I think. We'll see.

Next up is recording an album. Perhaps that will stress me enough that I'll blog about that!

In the meantime, come out and see me sometime. I'd love to sing you a song.

evidence

@Not My Dog, Feb 2, '14

@The Feathers, Jan 11, '14 

@Relish Songbird Session, November 23, '13 

@The Only, Nov 26, '14 

time moves on

Oh goodness, I haven't posted since September. A lifetime seems to have passed since then. I've done so much, so much has changed; where to begin?

Since my last post I've had 7 gigs (not counting the tune I do every other week with Sean's band). Some have been good, some not so good, but a learning experience every time. I've managed to learn how to not crucify myself when I mess up. That's huge for me. Huge.

Two gigs ago I was so sick with stage fright I thought I should probably consider not performing anymore. I threw up twice, it felt like weasels were trying to claw their way out of my guts, I was shaking so hard I'm sure I was blurry and I spent a lot of, um, unpleasant time in the bathroom.

The gig itself was great. I wasn't perfect but that was ok. Chris, my musical partner in crime, was there with me and we had a great time. The audience response was great. Once it was over, I felt like a million bucks. But the lead up was bad. Very bad.

Before my last gig, which was yesterday, I was a bit more proactive about it. I meditated for 40 minutes in the morning, I took Rescue Remedy, I went for a walk, I rehearsed with Chris for 2 hours. I didn't start freaking out until about an hour and a half before CB picked us up. And I didn't freak out nearly as much as I did the time before. Not even close.

Since I booked the gig, I've fought my desire to put a ton of pressure on myself about it. I mostly won. Which is saying a lot without saying much at all. Just trust me when I say it was no small feat not to completely psych myself out over this one. But you know what? It turned out to be my best yet.

A big difference with this gig from others is that the room was mostly full of people I know. You see, I don't tell many people about my gigs because I didn't want my people to see me fail (and of course I'm always assuming I'll fail). But this gig was hosted by my friends so many of our mutual friends came. Plus, I actually told people about it so a couple of my people turned up too. I thought seeing all those familiar faces looking back at me would paralyze me but the opposite happened: I was on fire.

Not perfect, never perfect, but perfect in that moment. It's the first time I can honestly say I enjoyed performing. It was SO MUCH FUN. I wanna do it again. RIGHT NOW.

I've got 3 more gigs this month. I'm hoping March starts to fill up too.

Every day I torture myself with thoughts of "why am I doing this?" "to what end?" "for what purpose?". I get it now. After last night, I get it. It's for moments like that. Those moments when I'm completely myself and sharing my music with joy (not fear) and seeing both familiar and strange faces beaming back at me. It's magic. That's why I'm doing this.

jess & maz: our version of goodbye

Not really goodbye. Just goodbye for now.

Here we are covering Leonard Cohen's Dance Me to the End of Love and Nick Cave's The Ship Song at her Going Away Soiree.

http://youtu.be/XtvFVgyDMgE

http://youtu.be/DAq2rXIbn6g

performance

I performed my own material in front of a crowd of (mostly) strangers last night for the very first time. It was a good bye party for Jess. My heart hasn't stopped racing.

Overall, I think it went well. My guitar playing left much to be desired which is what happens when I'm so nervous. My hands just don't work. So my rhythm was sloppy and my dynamics were shit and I played way too fast. I was up half the night beating myself up for it. But the people loved my song (I played a new one called "Dear Henry" ). The response was...wow. I was a bit stunned when it was over, a little dazed, and a professional musician who is also an acquaintance (Sarah Burton - she's great) pulled me aside before I could say anything and said, "Did you hear the cheers and applause? Did you hear it? That was for you and your amazing song. And no one here is just being nice."

Another woman asked where she could buy my record. When I said I didn't have one yet she said "Hurry up, then! I need to buy that!" A bunch asked where they could come see me perform. One woman said, "I need more of you. I know that sounds weird because we don't know each other but I need more. I'm in love with your voice." When I thanked her she said, "It's weird having you thank me. You're too good to have to say thank you." There were so many nice things said. I wish I could remember all of them. I'm so grateful to everyone who took a moment to talk to me.

I'm not bragging. I'm making a record so I can read this again when I feel like I want to give up or when I feel too frightened to play in front of anyone. I'm typing this out in an attempt to make it real because it seems like a fuzzy dream now.

Original #3

Another new original.

Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/mariaryan-1/disappear-by-maria-ryan

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